*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You Might Also Like
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Y’all ready for this
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Does your wife know you’re single?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.