Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.