Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”