Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.