*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
eggs benadryl
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when