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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
live, laugh, laundry.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My birthstone is kidney
Jupiter
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
The Book. The Movie.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.