Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
i wish i could marry a nap
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
This guy gets it.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!