You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.