when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”