Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies