What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.