It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN