Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.