From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Breaking news:
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
estão todos miauvindo?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
this is literally a CIA plant
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*