I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?