manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.