I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You Might Also Like
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
lol