If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn