I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
You Might Also Like
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Single and childfree like Jesus
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.