Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.