My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.