WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
You Might Also Like
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.