Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.