If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I know
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over