“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
u spoke cat all this time??????
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
❤️🦆
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”