All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.