M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
(Jupiter –
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I’m so full I could puke a horse
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.