I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
You Might Also Like
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.