I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”