I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Has science gone too far?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know