I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Finally! 😈
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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1.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out