Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer