The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.