My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
You Might Also Like
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.