If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
It’s an epidemic…
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.