Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.