HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
synchronized noseblowing
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks