*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Canada has crack?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…