Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber