[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Battery falling down a hole
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew