Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.