[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
💁🏻♂️
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
🤣🤣
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Webb. James Webb.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.