Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise