windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You Might Also Like
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.