Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
PLOT TWIST:
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
All. The. Damn. Time.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”