A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.