I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
You Might Also Like
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER