my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once