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the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews