[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol